Many have been wondering if the FDA headquarters have an office canteen or not, what with the rate at which they have been asking for sample of food left and right, only to ban them in due course. Some are mildly interested as to how it all pans out. Most just want to have some goddamn Maggi.
As for me, I am of the firm belief that it is all a conspiracy. The FDA is slowly but surely making its sinister presence felt. Who is there to stop the FDA from achieving total domination? Mr. Modi? They’ll ban Dhokla. Sonia Gandhi? They’ll ban Pasta. Nirmal Baba? They’ll ban Samosa.
Here, allow me to show you what is going to happen in the not so near future.
*Cue Thunder and Lightning*
The wind howls through the cracked windowpane as I sit in the Delhi Metro, on my way to the FDA Headquarters in Rajiv Chowk. I looked through the glass, into what was left of my city.
What was once a great bustling metro, full of colour and joy, is now a dystopian dream. The metro is almost empty. On one corner of the coach, sits a man wearing a trench coat, hunched over something in his arms. I look closely; it’s an empty packet of Maggi. “2 Minutes, 2 Minutes”, he keeps on muttering to himself.
Yet another person who has lost his mind to the atrocities of the FDA.
I sigh and look up. The monitor lights flicker faintly. “Next Station. Rajiv Chowk”.
I walk towards the exit doors, paying no attention to the crazy guy on the floor.
The doors open creakily, and I step out into Rajiv Chowk. Empty. That was happenstance nowadays. However, my grandmother had told me tales of days past when it used to be difficult to even stand in Rajiv Chowk. I wasn’t sure if I believed her.
Two uniformed guards were standing outside, wearing the crisp yellow hue of the FDA High Guard. They lead me to the exits after which we take a left and come upon a huge building. What was earlier a quaint little market is now a 120 floor monstrosity. I cannot place what happened to Connaught Place.
As I am ushered in, the old secretary looks askance at me. “I’m here for the interview”, I say. She nods and points towards a plain door at the far end of the building. I walk towards it, flanked by guards. As I approach it, it opens of its own accord. There’s a man sitting inside.
A fat, greasy creature, with food stains on his uniform and liquid drooling down his lips.
The Chief of the FDA.
The one who banned the 1st Packet of Maggi.
I contained my revulsion and sat down. “Soon”, I thought to myself.
The Chief motioned to his guards. “Would you like to have something? Perhaps some wine. Some water? Or maybe you really want to taste this.” he says, flashing an old packet of Maggi Tastemaker in front of me, just out of my reach.
My heart fluttered. The legends were true. There’s still at least some left. Maybe this doesn’t have to be a suicide mission after all.
“No, Thank You” I gulp. “Shall we begin?”
“Yes, yes, make it quick. I have many matters of the state to attend to.” Says the fat slob, wine dribbling down his lips and into his stained uniform.
I pick up my pad and proceed to interview him.
Q: What would you say has been the greatest achievement of the FDA Government till now?
A: Promoting Law and Order in the Indian Confederate, besides ensuring the health of each and every citizen.
Q: There have been various reports of discontent among the population. Any comments?
A: Anti-National elements are a threat to society and will be eliminated, for the greater good. As we know, a healthy society is a happy society.
Q: Any last words?
A: Wha… *Bang* *Bang* *Bang*.
His obese body slides to the ground like a snake that has just shed its skin, and comes to rest with an abruptness that reeked of decay.
Guards flood the room, aiming their sights at me. I take the Maggi Tastemaker in my hands, showing it to the guards. “Don’t shoot, or I’ll open it”. None of them move.
I slowly walk out of the building, holding the packet aloft, as a veritable symbol of immunity. I could smell freedom. None of the guards dare to make a move. Without their leader, they are nothing but tools, and now the Resistance has grabbed hold of the Tastemaker. I slip into the tunnels of Rajiv Chowk and slowly make my way back to base, a smile playing on my lips.
Tonight, we shall feast. For the war against the FDA certainly rages on, but the battle has been won. Tonight, we have won our 2 minutes of freedom.
*Fade to Black*
That, my friends, is what is going to happen. While we worry about trivial issues like Poverty and Corruption, the FDA is pulling the wool over our eyes. It is time we wake up. They have only banned Maggi up till now. The day is not far behind when they will ban Nutella.
Fight, my dear countrymen. Fight for your rights.
Views presented in the article are those of the author and not of ED.