King of Instagram, Tony Stark without a purpose, Hugh Hefner with a beard and cards—No matter which way you define Dan Bilzerian, his way of life is one fantasized by many and hated by even more people. He continues to be, and will always be a polarizing figure. His unapologetic way of life gives vicarious pleasure to some, hints of misogyny and shades of irresponsibility to others. But he does not give a f***. Born to the somewhat notorious takeover specialist, Paul Bilzerian, Dan is a poker player with his reported net worth north of $100 million. And what more, recently he announced his candidature for the POTUS from a Republican Party ticket.
ED caught hold off him for a quick chat, and presumably, we sent three guys (or so they insisted. Honestly, we had to hold a lucky draw for who gets to go).
Parth Madaan (PM): What’s with the middle name Dan?
Dan Bilzerian (DB): There has been a lot conjecture and debate about how I go on living my life from a moral standpoint but to tell you the truth, I don’t give a F***. Blitz I think is one word that sort of explains what I am all about and how it’s about never being dull.
PM: So let’s get down to business. Shall we? What according to you is Money?
DB: For me Money is just about Freedom. All the power and lavish behavior comes secondary. A lot of money just gives you the freedom to do whatever the f*** you want.
Manaved (MD): Dan, is it true you pushed a porn star from your roof? I just couldn’t help myself from asking.
DB: Are you serious bro? You really think I would do such a thing?
MD: Er… Yes?
DB: Well, yes I did.
PM: So tell us something about your campaign launch party?
DB: Well, it’s going to be a big affair for starters. It’s my way of announcing that Dan’s here and letting everyone aware. Mostly it’s going to be a Dan affair so I’ll leave you to the rest.
MD: I heard you had new ideas for your immigration policy? Care to share?
DB: It’s actually quite simple. There will be a panel of 3 judges at every airport. If the girl isn’t hot enough, she isn’t in. It’s all very scientific. My friend Tyrone told me.
Tushar Behl (TB): Dan, as much as they hate you, let’s also tell them about your altruistic streak.
DB: I started the Robin Hood charity and we help people, but not with more than $10,000 at a time. Helps save tax…
TB: You may want to curtail that…
DB: Why? Because I am running for president? These bloody peasants don’t wanna pay those taxes either. Didn’t you see that bald-guy Bruce movie, Armageddon? Their last wish before going to space was not paying taxes! Even sweet guy Yeezus said, “Those who collect taxes and prostitutes, are nothing but sinners.”
TB: How do you plan to run the country then, Dan?
DB: Go to my website, Bilzerian16.com. We’ll start the NPF.
TB: But isn’t the National Pension Fund in place?
DB: You guys. Your ignorance amazes me. National Poker Fund. We’ll participate in international Poker tournaments, win some pot and smoke some more.
TB: What are your views on ISIS?
DB: I am happy as long as there is a reason to fight and brandish some guns. I own more than a 100 guns, a grenade launcher and lots of other stuff. For me it’s like a cool toy. Just that’s legal to possess these in the state I happen to live in so, that. Dare any mother f***** touch an American.
TB: This brings me to a very interesting point in your life. Not many people know, you were a Navy Seal and were dishonorably discharged for misconduct.
DB: I think both the Navy Seal Training and the dishonorable discharge were blessings for me. The training prepared me for my lifestyle after being dishonorable discharged. Not sleeping for days, endurance tasks all through the day. Every night filled with intoxication. Then, I was intoxicated by being tired. Now, that and substance.
TB: Do you think we are ready for a president without a first lady.
DB: Maybe not. I can get you multiple first ladies. How about a first lady, every night. Shit, that’s awesome, I should write it down.*Makes a tattoo on the chest*
But most of the times, there will be first, second and third ladies too. Wonder what JFKs secret tunnel would look like.
TB: Finally, your views on your Republican counter-parts, Rand Paul, and more importantly, Donald Trump?
DB: Rand is a cool guy. Likes white people, likes guns, and more importantly, just like me, does not have an agenda- in life. I have an agenda as far as the presidential campaign goes. Don, on the other hand, has forgotten the golden rule of presidential campaigns- good hair. From Roosevelt, to JFK, to Raegan, one thing in common has been a wonderful hairstyle. I intend to take it one step forward. When was the last time a president had a beard, I ask? Maybe Khomeini will loosen up on the negotiations when he sees a person with an equally cool beard. And I’ll have someone stroking it too.
MD: Seriously, what is your vision for the country?
DB: USA has had enough of these Harvard douchebags who don’t know anything about the real world. I don’t care if they are the Democratic or the Republican Party. If I come into power, the whole USA will be one big party, if you know what I mean. *shoots in the air*
I will not stand still, till I turn the White House into the Playboy mansion, and till The Wall Street becomes the Pole Street and the time when The Times starts publishing the good old Hustler photos.
PM: On that note, this is the three of us, signing out with Dan Bilzerian, a candidate for POTUS.
Best of luck, and really, God bless the United States of America!
Views presented in the article are those of the author and not of ED.