Anchor: Heyy hello and welcome to the show FaltuKiNews where we showcase the pretentious news making actions of our country and make them look heroic. Today we have the news making rock star, the CEO of Selfie Solutions with us. Hello sir.
Anchor: So sir, the nation wants to know what the secret of success of the Selfie Solutions is.
CEO: Well, we have a selfie generation these days. Easy money, easy fame. Every second your life is to be updated online and offline. It is like being on a reality show always. But this makes something else mandatory- Universal Acceptance. Our firm makes sure that you are globally acceptable and appeasing.
Anchor: I am sure it works but could you elaborate?
CEO: There used to be a saying- A man is judged by his character and deeds. But it is a bit harsh is it not? Today, especially online, we get a chance to project ourselves as we decide. Selfie Solutions is a platform which offers practical and virtual solutions. It is a global development and social commitment oriented scheme. You see, we make you feel good about yourself and make the peer group think the same. Without making a decisive change in your actions.
Anchor: So you create an image for people?
CEO: Yes, IMAGE. Image is something you have to create and maintain. It is not just to market yourself, it also makes you feel good about yourself. It is a boost of ego and consolation to oneself right?
Anchor: Wow Sir, that is such a selfless and visionary idea. To make us feel good about ourselves and make others think the same. It takes ages for people to achieve that. Obviously, you are providing a great social service to the country. Let us have a round of applause for Selfie Solutions.
Your company tagline says, you got solutions for everything- I mean everything. How is that possible?
CEO: See in India, majority of the parents prefer a boy over the girl child. Sex ratios in the census are an example for that. But when someone points out this fact, it might be irksome. And why should one not prefer a boy child, there is nothing wrong in that. It is understandable evaluating from a cultural point of view.
So what do we offer? We offer a novel idea of Selfie with daughters. You click selfies with daughters, post them online and that will be a proof that you are not misogynist or chauvinist. Share a few women empowerment posts and that’s it! You can go on demanding dowry, pass sexist comments, restrict your women to households, burn your kids for daring to love- and keep it quiet. Your image is created and marketed through our firm. If anyone questions your actions you can always show your image created by us.
Anchor: That is such a food for thought. You don’t need to solve a problem- you just need to show that you are solving a problem. Right? Sir, how did you come up with this idea?
CEO: Well, you know in our college days when Facebook became a part of our lives, we were quiet crazy about fetching more comments and likes. More comments, more attention- you see. Once, I met a boy outside McDonalds begging for some money so that he could have a burger. How dare he wish for one? I felt outraged. But then I saw this guy was a LIKE MINE-I mean something that could fetch me so many likes on FB!!! I gave him my half eaten burger, clicked a pic with him and made it my DP. I tell you- I was involved with many social commitment opportunities before and after that, but nothing gave me encouragement like that photo I posted.
Appreciations, friend request, likes, comments- it was awesome. I did not have to travel to some random village, did not have to visit some substandard poor homes- I could get appreciation and funding through this photographs. I had opted out of all the social service programs because it is such a pain and I felt bad about myself then. But these profile pics boosted my popularity and tripled my esteem. That is how I landed on this solution.
Anchor: Sir what was your first project?
CEO: The first program we had was the slim selfie challenges. Many girls out there who desperately want a size zero but do not have the strength to diet, we clicked selfies which would make you look slimmer.
Anchor: About the Groupies with Dalits issue Sir, I have a few technical doubts. You see to touch and associate with all the filth… I am sorry, the impoverished people of slums and lower caste regions- I am sure many religious and pious people would have found it difficult to stay with them
CEO: Casteist bigotry can be a severe black mark on your record though no one can help it. It is easy for the constitution to say that everyone is equal but personally it is difficult for people to touch them and talk to them. So we had to use Photoshop extensively. The program benefited many political leaders. Now they don’t have to eat in huts and interact with people. They thanked us so much for this step.
Anchor: Yes Sir, it is indeed a boon. You never know how these people cook and in what unhealthy circumstances. It is so difficult for them to have food from their homes and take an enema every other day. Sir, our honourable Minister told that your company has saved the government from another set of strikes and protests from transgender. How did you do that?
CEO: Pakistan and Uganda had decriminalised transgender. An upheaval on behalf of the transgender in India too was expected. It could have been a trigger and many people would have jumped into the bandwagon now that nations like Pakistan and Uganda have legalized transgender, so we should do the same.
I personally think it is highly erroneous statement and we need not copy other especially such backward countries and unfriendly neighbours, totally forgetting our culture. So in order to arrest the people uprising, we channelled their energies to changing their dps into black and white. We got the idea from the rainbow profile pics in Facebook. Why rally on streets, shout slogans and light candles and what difference would it make? Sit back, relax and change your dps and make your statement. Of course ministers were really grateful for the service we provided and gave us tax exemptions for five years.
Anchor: Well Sir, one last question. The solutions you offer, can they really solve the problems?
CEO: It is not a solution per se. But see everything starts from a small step right? And even a superhuman power cannot change and solve the problems in the world. And what is the problem in feeling good about yourself? Even in the illusion of doing something while you are not actually doing something. And no one wants a solution, a straight answer on the face. All people need is an illusion. That is key to our success.
Anchor: Wow, Sir, that account is really amazing. Thank you for your time. It is an honour for us to have you on our show. That was all for FaltuKiNews for this week. Let the posting continue…..
An initiative for change? A change in attitude? Marketing strategy? Diverting of attention? Ego Boost? What are these really?
Views presented in the article are those of the author and not of ED.