Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we invite the current entertainment source of the country for a no-holds-barred interview with ED. We make sure they remember this interview, even though they never gave it as this is purely an imaginative piece (Oh how we wish this wasn’t!).
Hello All! Allow me to introduce to you the most Sanskari soul in India… Uh No! Not Alok Nath. Please welcome Mr. Pahlaj Nahlani.
ED: Welcome to Fake Friendly Fridays Sir.
PN: Namashkar! *khada hai, khada hai*
ED: Ummm… what?
PN: Pahlaj Nahlani aapke interview mein khada hai. Aapko kya laga! *laughs*
ED: Anyway, Sir how does it feel to be the only known Chairman of CBFC and make people in the country wonder “Hain, film walon ke liye bhi CBSE hota hai?”
PN: Well you know it is all because of Modi Kaka. Due to his 56-inch chest, I am who I am!
ED: You have been in the news a lot lately because of the controversy around Udta P….
PN: *interrupts* Ssssshhh… It is banned.
ED: You gave 89 cuts in the movie for swear words and scenes on consumption of drugs. Why are you so keen on turning a 2-hour feature film into a 15 minutes short-film?
PN: That film shows P***** in bad light. Punjab means lush green farms, Lassi and balle balle. No one does drugs in India. Therefore I cut all the scenes that were against Indian culture.
ED: Excuse me! You even gave cuts in Prem Ratan Dhan Payo and ‘U/A’ rating to Jungle Book. What was against ‘Indian culture’ in them?
PN: PRDP doesn’t have Alok Nath! I mean, how could they? No sanskar at all? And all the noises made by the animals in Jungle Book are not suitable for kids.
ED: And the songs that you made – Khada hai Khada hai. They are suitable for the audiences?
PN: There is no obscenity like kissing in the song. It is a pure and pious song where a boy explains his lus.. oh sorry, love to the woman he wants.
ED: Cinema reflects the society. People in real life kiss to express their love and that is shown on the silver screen. Since when did kissing become obscene?
PN: Excuse me madam! People do shameless stuff in America but this doesn’t happen in the Indian Culture. And there is no need to show long kisses in the movies. We were so progressive in yester years, we showed sex in the movies without the actors doing it. Two flowers mating or two birds coming together or lights going off.
ED: Okay if not love, then people definitely use cuss words in India. And you came up with a list of such words to be banned. They included “masturbating” and “double meaning words”. What is that supposed to mean?
PN: Masturbation is a Western concept. It does not exist in India. This will spoil the innocent and sanskari young minds in our country.
ED: You passed movies like Grand Masti and Kya Kool Hain Hum and advised cuts on movies Tamasha and Spectre for long kisses. Why?
PN: Grand Masti and KKHH is about young boys running after women who want some action in their lives. Come on, all of us have done it in college. *hahahaha…* Boys will be boys you know! But movies like Spectre bring too much Westernisation with their shameless portrayal of sex. It will have a bad effect on the minds of youngsters.
ED: Indeed, how would the young know how did we become 1.25 billion!!
Sir, due to this ‘protector-of-the-Indian-culture’ attitude you seem to have adopted, people think that you are a mouthpiece of the conservative government. People even call you Modi Ji’s chamcha. What do you have to say about that?
PN: These people have been bribed by Aam Aadmi Party. It is all a big conspiracy. No shame in saying… I am Modi Ji’s chamcha!
*sings* Modi Modi Modi Modi Modi… Kabhi Kabhi Kahin Kahin Modi Modi…
ED: *ties a cloth on his mouth*
Well, we guess, this man is really on a high! Can’t take it anymore, so this is a bye-bye from us and Mr. Udta Pahlaj!
And now that Udta Punjab is passed by the High Court with just one cut, we all need to celebrate and he needs help!
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Views presented in the article are those of the author and not of ED.