Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we pick a famous personality and throw fake questions to him and in return receive fake answers. Why should you not take it seriously? Because it is fake. Duh!
Heavy Disclaimer: If you are a really sensitive person and get offended at jokes/puns/humor/sarcasm/religion/stupidity/foolishness then please do not proceed to read further. You are voluntarily reading this article, no one has forced you or dictated this to you forcefully. I am not liable if you find this offensive or any other synonym of the same word. This is my personal creation, personal views and in no way, I’m trying to denigrate any religion. I respect Islam, Prophet, Quran, Hinduism, Christianity. I’m not just saying it for the sake of disclaimer but I have Muslim friends too. And no religion is small enough to get affected by a small humorous article. And lastly, THIS IS A FAKE INTERVIEW, so please give it only as much importance.
This time, we have the king of Peace TV who is a doctor and has not been practising medical since…. forever because why save lives when you can save intelligence? Presenting to you Dr. Zakir Naik.
Ques: Welcome to our interview Zakir. You are a very famous personality and have many awards in your name. What made you agree to get interviewed by us?
Ans: Well, brother, you see people all around the world are living with a mistaken belief that their religion is the best. I am here to tell people that they have chosen the wrong path. They must come back to the path of Allah as Islam is the only true religion in this world.
Ques: The global uprising these days is of feminism. As a leader and supposed public personality, what are your views on Feminism?
Ans: Brother has a very good question. We treat our women the best, they have no problem with it. Feminism is against Islam. We gave our women economic and social rights 1300 years before West did. At the same time, we should treat them as the texts have prescribed. Burkha and Hijaab is beautiful. I have no problem wearing a suit all the time, why should they have?
Our guide and messenger married a 6-year-old girl, it shows how he was empowering women. In Islam, we can marry multiple women which ultimately proves that Muslim women are the most empowered.
Ques: Talking about women, how do you treat your wife?
Ans: I treat my wife just how the texts have prescribed. I make her wear burkha, this is for her safety. She is very beautiful. I don’t let her remove her burkha. I have never seen her without it. I even make out with her wearing it. She is usually loyal to me. At times when she disobeys me then I beat her lightly. Come on yaar, lightly is permitted in the texts. I slap her on a daily basis out of love and not out of my male chauvinism.
Ques: You have memorised the entire Quran verbatim. How did you do that? Do you believe in the culture of mugging up instead of learning?
Ans: You, brother, are too amateur to understand these things.
Ques: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Ans: After 10 years the whole world will convert to Islam. It is the only true religion. Why do you think it is the fastest growing religion in the world? Because every other religion is against our wish. We will send a mission to other planets out there to spread the scholar’s preachings. Ab Mars pe bhi hamara religion hoga.
Ques: You have read the Gita too. What are some things you liked about it?
Ans: Gita and Quran are the same. In fact, Gita has been copied from Quran, up to a limit only. For example, Gita says that there’s only one Almighty. It is pointing towards us.
Ques: You hold an MBBS degree. Why don’t you try using that? What is the point of being a doctor when you can’t even save lives?
Ans: For me, my religion comes first. As Hindus say it, it is my dharma. I believe preaching my religion and making each and every person aware of Allah is saving lives. So, by this, it means I have saved a lot of lives as I have convinced thousands of people to convert to our religion.
Ques: In your speech sessions, there are certain people who shout “If you can prove this then I will convert to Islam” Where do you buy them from sir? Are they struggling Hollywood actors?
Ans: Brother has asked a question which shows his lack of knowledge in religion. They are not stage actors. They are people who have been sent by the Almighty. They are those people who have been knocked down by Hinduism and Christianity. Where Jesus couldn’t help, Almightly will.
Ques: Recently the Bangladeshi terror attacks happened. It is said that one of them was inspired by your speeches. What is your take on that?
Ans: I’m not shocked to hear that. I’m just spreading words of Almighty and I have full faith in my religion.
Ques: How is Islam different from Hinduism?
Ans: Hinduism misses the quality of peace that Islam has. As you all know, Lord Shiva cut the head of his own son Ganesha. Where is non-violence? No one questions that? Lord Ram had suspicion on Sita when he rescued her from Lanka. Is this considered to be mental peace? Instead of questioning the best religion in the world, why not question others?
Ques: Don’t you think Islam is overrated? Why not let people follow other religions too?
Ans: You did not just say that….. [Removes mic, throws it away. Shouted something in Urdu and stomps out.]
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Views presented in the article are those of the author and not of ED.