Part five of the SexED: Discovering Alternative Sexualities series
One day, my friend walked into my room and declared, “I am demisexual.”
I had no idea what she meant. This was 6 months back, and it changed how I thought about my sexuality forever.
Demisexuality is defined as a category of sexual orientation where the people do not feel any kind of sexual attraction without forming a reliable emotional bond with someone. Friendship, trust, or a deep romantic attachment (among many other variables) is a necessary precondition for a demisexual.
It will be extremely blunt if I myself simply identify with demisexuality in accord to just this definition, since withstanding the definitions of the category, it is prudish to misunderstand its nuances and politics.
So, what makes demisexuality a truly different case of alternative sexuality?
Let me do some thinking for you out loud here, on why I am beginning to identify as a demisexual, rather than being content with the conventions of heterosexuality.
Why Am I A Demisexual?
Consider this, I feel about kissing aesthetically, or even sensually. I do not feel aroused by the idea of touching someone, usually. But I will not deny that I must have thought about it when it concerned a long time male friend/crush.
I cannot even remember have sexual feelings for new squishes or crushes. I didn’t want to feel their skin or smell their hair, or kiss them in fact. I wanted to bake cakes or go to museums and laugh over milkshakes while discussing silly random things. I desired companionship more than anything else.
Even though I am not against relationships, it takes a lot for me to even get interested in dating someone, as opposed to hanging out.
If I see naked(-ish) people, I want to clothe them back.
In fact, I do not feel aroused even when a really hot guy whom I have met briefly, who is extremely attracted to me, is flirting with me suggestively. My response is to duck and run.
Am I Ever Going To Have Sex?
Why not? I am a grey-asexual; I do have a sex drive, although limited. And it’s not that I am never going to act upon it. I am not celibate, it’s not moral or religious or shameful for me. My sexual behavior is triggered only when I really get to know someone, whom I have known for quite some time. Then all the gates of sweet fuzzy feelings start opening.
Aren’t We All Demisexuals Then?
No, because my sexual urges are basically, completely, absolutely, and totally, DORMANT when I am NOT intimately involved with someone. It never kicks in with a random hot person. And when I say never, I mean NEVER.
I don’t want to get it on with Zac Efron after 5 dates if I don’t feel a certain kind of intimacy with him, even if he is really attracted me, and is quite literally begging me. And that is not being an uptight heterosexual, regardless of how much I love Zac Effron, I just cannot do it.
How Is That Different From Being Heterosexual, (Or Homosexual For That Matter)?
It is such a curious case of asexuality that it is making many allosexuals (people who are not asexual) reexamine their own sexualities. Don’t we all want to be with someone we love, respect, trust, and cherish?
But I am sure many other people wouldn’t mind being involved with Zac Efron in the above scenario. Why not? He is good looking, and the average hetero/homosexual attraction does not always depend on feelings and attachment, but rather on physical attraction.
Am I Attracted To Just Anyone I Share A Close Emotional Bond With?
Okay c’mon, I know where to draw lines! Being friends with someone doesn’t mean that I will have sexual feelings for them. My romantic relationships differ from my platonic relationships. Therefore, friendship acts as a mandatory prerequisite for any and every kind of sexual desires in my life.
Isn’t It An Unnecessary Category?
You tell me. A lot of my heterosexual friends refuse to understand what makes my sexual desires different from theirs. I feel probably only other demisexuals would understand me.
Places like AVEN and Lonerwolf were like an oasis, I could freely agree and disagree with everything there because I felt that people with shared experiences understood each other better. Having a community, a shared identity marker is a huge boost.
If you want to know more, demisexuality.org is a good resource, to begin with.
You see, demisexuality, being a more nuanced category of grey-asexuality, entails sexual behavior is a variable. Their sexual behavior accords to their choices, there is no watertight parameter that predetermines their lifestyles. Even though demisexuals would want to be in intimate relationships like anybody else, some cannot imagine even crushing on people they don’t know very well.
If one-third of demisexuals in an AVEN census has identified as sex-repulsed (leaning strongly towards asexuality), another third have confessed that they like sex and have regular partners too. Whether it takes days, months or years for a demisexual person to develop sexual feelings in a relationship, it cannot be said.
It is a spectrum, and you cannot devaluate that. Sexuality, at the end of the day, all boils down to individual choice.
So yes, I am demisexual. I am happy. I love my life. And in a sex-crazed world, I don’t think I am missing out on anything. If you think you are too, don’t worry. Just embrace it with pride.
Enjoyed decoding Demisexuality? Come back next week, we will tell you things about Sapiosexuality (feeling sexual attraction only towards intelligence) that you have never heard before!
Read the previous chapters here:
Views presented in the article are those of the author and not of ED.